I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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