it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
