Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
