She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
