You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
