please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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