Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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