woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
