I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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