Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
