Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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