Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize