No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
