god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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