well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize