I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
