did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
