just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
