The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There's always time for handjobs
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
