um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
