Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
