his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
