I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
