I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize