woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
