im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
