If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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