Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We're too hungover to prance.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
