I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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