I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
the liver wants what the liver wants
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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