I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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