She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
