I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
