why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
