My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
