Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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