so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
