I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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