so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
