life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just pee around me
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
