so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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