I wish I could teleport
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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