I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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