There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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