Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
