also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize