if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
