So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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