I accidentally burped into my bong.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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