I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
cat food counts as protein by the way
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
