We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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