the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
