definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
