I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize