I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
