It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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