Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
