the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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