The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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