I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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