from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
