Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
