I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
